Looking For A Sign

A lot of people obsess over the future. The “what ifs.” They go over all possible outcomes of any circumstance they may come across. Fearing the worst, of course.

I don’t. When I lay awake at night, before the sleeping pills kick in, it’s these things that keep me awake:

After three days spent in bed, 10 days of a straight fever and the remnants of a sore throat and sinus infection, I was feeling pretty lousy.

–Jan 16, 2011

The doctors tell me the mass in my chest could have started growing six months ago, and my brain is determined to pinpoint when that exact moment was. I’ve been going over incidents and scenarios from over the last year, asking myself, “Were there any signs I had cancer then?”

In January, after coming home for Christmas, I was just walloped with illness. Namely, a 102F fever that lasted 10 days. Not normal. I remember looking up my symptoms on the internet and seeing a fever is often the sign of your body fighting off an infection, or worst case scenario, cancer. I clearly disregarded the cancer thing because that was such a silly notion for me, the healthy personal trainer, to have cancer. So I chalked it up to a sinus infection and figured lots of rest would help me get rid of it.

But really, a 10-day fever is not normal. And there were other symptoms. I felt crappy a lot. I always had dull headaches and would often get feverish chills without the fever temperature. After I broke my arm and had reconstructive surgery in February, any symptom I had was blamed on that.

I told myself the surgery was the reason why I still didn’t have the stamina to run like I used to. I was going 12 minute miles when I used to run 9, and I thought it was just taking me longer than normal to recover from surgery. But looking back, what if it was the large mass in my chest slowing me down?

Even after moving home, I still got fever symptoms every night. I had a gnarly chest cough come and go. Overall, looking back, I haven’t been feeling in my best health since before November 2010. But the symptoms were so minor, I thought I was just tired or overworked. Or the Toronto subway was making me sick over and over. Now I wonder, was it all the cancer??

I know it’s not good to dwell in the past, but it has given me something to think about apart from my looming diagnosis at the start of the week. I had my chest biopsy on Thursday, and then pictures of my stomach, pelvis, brain, and heart were taken on Friday. No tests this weekend, thank god, I needed the break from being poked and prodded and feel a lot better because of it. Instead, I’ve rested up, took my first shower, ate some good food my family brought me, and best of all visited with people I love.

I am still on bed rest because of the blood clots in my neck. They’re only giving me a little bit of thinner until they know what kind of chemo I’m starting on later next week. I’m getting my bone marrow test on Monday and being sent for a PET scan in Saint John Monday or Tuesday. And of course, biopsy results one of those days. Right now I’m living in a sort of ignorant bliss. I’ve told myself that I simply have a large disease that’s just going to be really crappy and time consuming to get rid of. But who knows what the biopsy holds.

Don’t expect me to blog every day or at a strict time. If I don’t blog, it’s likely because I’m busy with tests, visiting with people, or just tired and resting, which is more important. I’ll keep you updated if anything noteworthy happens.

And please, if you’re experiencing mild symptoms, write them all down, keep a journal, and don’t brush them off just because you think you’re a healthy person. If it wasn’t for my mom forcing me to a doctor, I’d still be going to the gym every day with what I thought was a kink in my neck.

Thanks again for all he messages and prayers xo