This past weekend changed my life. Or rather, it sat me down and forced me to realize that my life has already changed. I will explain.
It must be the season, or the radio silence on this here blog, but people are starting to ask me if I ever intend to blog again. I’ve experienced a lot since my last update. I went to Colorado, took ridiculously cute pictures of my dog, had some very late nights, and got my first clear x-ray as a person in remission. But I couldn’t bring myself to write about it. I had my blinders up and was aggressively moving forward. The cancer thing was behind me and if anyone asked, I was completely FINE.
I went into last weekend’s YACC Retreat Yourself East wondering how I would benefit from it. I thought it would be neat to connect with cancer survivors my age, explore Cape Breton, and freely talk about cancer in a way I can’t really do with others.
I was not expecting to discover I’d been bottling so many things up, or to have that bottle cracked open for me to pick through and examine. Turns out I am not fine after all. Actually, cancer completely fucked me up. It fucked everything up.
The strange thing however, is that after facing all my fears and hang-ups, I left Cape Breton feeling better. I didn’t “fix” anything, really. But instead came to terms with the fact that it can’t be fixed, and that’s okay. I can’t think of a time when I felt more true to myself than during those days at Cabot Shores. And not the pre-cancer version of myself I had been clinging to.
I went to the doctor the day after I returned to have a pain checked out and start the process of scheduling follow-up surgery on my busted arm. I used to get SO bitter about sitting in doctor’s offices and being unwell. But that is just my life now. My body doesn’t work like it’s supposed to, but that doesn’t make me broken. Apparently it took five days next to the ocean with 35 amazing cancer survivors to truly accept that.
It is with all of this that I say The Great Balancing Act is officially closed for business. I will be leaving a large chunk of the blog up for those who still want access to recipes, workouts, and especially the cancer-centric posts. I am by no means done writing. But I know that as long as I cling on to this blog, I will never step out of my comfort zone and tackle the writing I really want to do. I have finally come to terms with the fact that my life has changed, and I am ready to change with it.