Boo! I am blogging again. http://susanairheart.wordpress.com See ya there!
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I almost quit blogging this week.
I know, I know. It makes no sense. Especially when I wax poetic about how amazing blogging is and how much I luuuuurve it.
I do still lurve it, but I’ll admit that blogging comes with a little more baggage these days. For one, even though my days are mostly free to do what I like, I’m still a sick person who needs to spend a lot of time resting in bed. Even doing something like typing at a laptop requires energy I don’t have. When I do have energy, I don’t always want to use it all on my computer.
There’s also the chemo brain thing. My cognitive function is not what it used to be thanks to a combination of the whole cancer trauma and the heavy drugs I’m on. My family says they can’t tell I’m struggling, but I am. I only retain about half the information I’m told, and relaying my own information feels like a never-ending search for the right words in my mental dictionary. This translates into blogging as well. There are a lot of things I want to say, but feel like I’m not saying them how I want to. I’m not sure if my points are coming across the right way, or if I’m being as entertaining as I’d like to be. It’s frustrating.
Most of all however, blogging is overwhelming. Not always in a good way. Before I had no problem with being so public about my life because there was nothing I felt I really needed to protect. But dealing with an illness under a microscope is hard. I’m handling my situation the best way I know how, but being so vulnerable in front of so many people can be trying. I find I crave a lot more privacy now. Being sick can change a lot things.
After coming to the realization this week that it was time I started moving forward with cancer being a part of my life, I thought it might be a good idea to reevaluate where my blog falls into my new life. I already had a post written out in my head about taking an indefinite break. But I decided to sit on it and wait for the emotions to pass. Sure enough, I’ve come through to the other side and realized I was needlessly panicking about some things. I spent part of the day yesterday talking about my blog and realized how big a part it plays in my life. Even if I’m going through a rough patch, I can’t just give it up.
With that said, if I am expected to continue moving forward, I think it only makes sense to have this blog move forward with me. I can’t tell you what that will or won’t include, but I thought it would be nice to at least address it. It’s always nice to keep others “in the know” about these sorts of things. I haven’t really put a whole lot of deep thought into exactly how the content of my blog will change and I think I’d prefer to keep the door open on this one.
I do know I will be blogging less. I don’t want to put a number on it because I don’t want to set up any expectations or stress on myself. I always loved the once-a-day format as a blog reader, but my life and blogging style just no longer suit it.
I can’t promise I will always reply to e-mails and comments in a timely manner, or at all. I know that sounds awful, but I need to be real about it. I lovelovelove getting feedback, but a big part of being overwhelmed is feeling like I have a duty to respond to feedback when all I want to do is take my pills and take a nap. Blogging is not my job, so I need to stop treating it like it is. The only thing I am responsible for now is healing, and some days that includes stepping away from my inbox!
I love my little space on the internet, the opportunities it has given me, and the people I’ve met through it. I’m not ready to throw it all away yet. But the times are a certainly changin’. And really, it’s probably about time.
Chemo #8 today. That means only four treatments left after this! Hallelujah!!
Chemotherapy is NOT what it is in the movies. Currently I am neither bald nor any paler. I also haven’t thrown up yet and don’t sleep that much.
“Health” has very little to do with aesthetic. Just because I can run, doesn’t mean I’m a healthy person. Disease can still strike me down.
Happiness isn’t something that needs to be chased down or found. Oftentimes it can come to me wherever I am in the world just by opening myself up to it.
Having cancer allows you access to a secret club. One where you can throw around the Cancer Card to make things occasionally go your way.
Keeping up a healthy body image while your body is really sick, is well, really hard.
Losing my hair is a lot more traumatic that I expected it to be, no matter how fun a wig may be.
Cheeseburgers are much better when the cheese is stuffed in the burger. Try it!!
CSA boxes are so worth the money.
Exercise is AMAZING. I mean, I always knew it was great, but now I am so thankful to be able to do it. Even if it’s a far cry from what I used to do, the 40 minutes of moderate exercise on the recumbent bike machine still makes me feel 10x better. If I can break through chemo fatigue to workout, you can make it to the gym after work, promise!
When living inside a bubble, small road trips are the perfect escape.
I am going to beat cancer.
I always knew I would, but there were still creeping doubts. Now I know I really, really will. There are just too many things left to do and experience. I will not let cancer or being sick cut any of that short.