Daily Archives: May 9, 2011

A New Hope

**Warning lots of text ahead**

First and foremost, if you are viewing this in a reader or inbox, you must click out to see my new layout! My old one was supposed to be “temporary.” Which of course turned into five months. I’m quite happy with this new one, so we’ll see how long it lasts!

Secondly, thank you for being so patient and supportive while I took time off from blogging. I suppose I could have lined up some guest posts or something, but what I really wanted to do was drop ALL blogging responsibilities. I needed a full-on break and I am coming back much better because of it.

Truth of the matter is, things with my arm are not going well. If you’re new-ish, all the posts explaining my injury can be found here. Short story is that I shattered my elbow almost three months ago and had reconstructive surgery on the bone. I had to give up my job as a personal trainer and basically change every aspect of my life to accommodate my new limited mobility.

One would think that a broken bone would get better with time. But mine is not. My physiotherapists tell me I’m not making progress at the rate I should be. I see my surgeon again in just over two weeks and he’ll tell me if I’m doomed to be on an operating table again. The whole situation scares me beyond belief.

One would also think I would grow more accustomed to my injury with time. But honestly, my ability to cope with it is getting worse. Having to wash my hair with one hand two weeks after the accident was doable. Having to STILL wash my hair with one hand three months after the fact is driving me crazy. Knowing that it may be a year from the accident until I can put my two palms on my head makes me feel really, really uneasy.

I am so, so sick of feeling limited ALL the time.

I know I should be thankful for what I can still do. I know I am lucky in so many ways. I hate bitching and moaning about an injury that in the grand scheme of things really isn’t that bad. This is why I had to take a break from blogging. Because stress and ill feelings over my injury dominate all my thoughts and emotions. I’ve become my injury.

The past month since moving home has been challenging. It has not been the saving grace I thought it would be. Don’t get me wrong, this is absolutely where I want to be right now. But I tricked myself into thinking moving home would solve all my problems. Really, it just highlighted them.

In the past three months, I lost the use of one limb. I lost a job I loved. I lost my energy and stamina. I gained a lifetime of pain. I moved to a different city and into a new house. And last week, I started a new permanent full-time job.

It’s a lot for a girl to deal with, even “well adjusted” ones like me. I’ve gotten into this bad habit of crying whenever I have to talk about the state of my arm. It shows how unstable I’ve become about it. I am so sick of talking about it and yet it’s still all I ever think about.

So no, I am not “okay.” Things are not getting “better.” I wish I could surpass expectations and overcome obstacles. I wish I could be an inspiring beacon of “healthy living” hope. But really, it just plain sucks. Big time.

So there’s the truth. I feel like I’ve been keeping it from my readers. I feel like a fraud. I don’t plan on complaining about it regularly, I think I may seek help for that.

Instead, I hope to be doing shorter posts. I hope to have more pictures. And posts will now be going up in the morning!!

Thanks for being with me through this (and reading through this post – hoo-ah!). Here’s hoping things start to get better from here…

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I mean, Buddy the dog has finally warmed up to me. Even if that does mean more slobber stains on my pants.

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